Bad movies and the human response

I own literally a thousand movies and about half of them are horrible. The more odd aspect, is this is completely intentional. I love bad movies. Not like Saturday Night Dance Fever bad or cheesey make you feel good shows that are on ABC Family. Specifically really really REALLY bad action movies and horror movies. What got me into this is a combination of MST3K, my Dad, and my love for bad dialogue. The best worst part about poorly written dialogue is: when they speak it almost seems like the actor has never had a conversation in their life or that they aren't human. Back to why they're entertaining. Most people say "Why would I watch a movie I know to be bad? It's the equivalent of eating food that has mold on it." Fair point. But it isn't like that. Bad food can make you sick and can (if your like me with a sensitive stomach when it comes to gross food) make you puke. Bad movies can be the funniest movie you can watch. It just has to be the right bad movie and you have to make several preparations for guaranteed fun. 1. Never watch them alone! If you watch a bad movie alone you are torturing yourself. (Unless you are cultured in bad movies) Half of the enjoyment of the bad movie is turning to your friend and saying "Can you fucking believe this shit?"
2.Talk through the whole thing. Trust me, you are not missing anything. It's bad for a reason: there are gaping plot holes, pointless scenes, and probably twenty nameless one scene characters that have zero point. So blather about Jimmy's soccer practice and treat it more as a background noise of spontaneous  hilarity.
3.Jean Claude Van Damme is a great choice. Never once have I not seen an absolutely gutbustingly funny Jean Claude Van Damme movie. Time Cop, No Where To Run, Double Team, Street Fighter (Raul Julia sith lightning!), Replicant, Blood Sport. All amazingly awful, in the best way possible.
Horrible dialogue    Hilarious fight scenes 
I mean how can you not love this shit? Mainly because some one out there thinks this is brilliant and his name might be Jean Claude Van Damme.
     Now I bet all ya'll cool cats are now wondering, "Well smarty pants what are your favorite bad movies?" Good question. I love so many steaming piles of awful, but if you twisted my arm I'd give you this list.
10. Street Fighter- I mean did you see that clip? Jean also barges into underground cage match with an anti-air missile vehicle then says and I quote "You're all under arrest". Did I mention he works for the UN? And that Raul fucking Julian has a painting as him as Napoleon, not to mention Bison bucks (currency made in the image of Raul Julia)
9. Arena- It's a Star Wars rip off like non-other. No there is no force copy cat or jedi copy. But it was shooting for a similar vibe, that falls pathetically short. The concept is a human fights in a Arena which is apparently rare and unheard of. Any way this guy named Steve comes around and wins the arena championship. This is more of the journey is better than the concept and the science in the movie is just ridiculous. The best part in this movie is the ex-human champ watches Steve fight in the final and screams out during the fight "HEY STEVE, TAKE IT IN MY BUTT!" I shit you not.
8. Replicant-Because the only man who can beat Jean Claude Van Damme is.....Jean Claude Van Damme? Yes best believe it! The bad guy is Jean Claude Van Damme an evil mass-murderer, and the only way to stop him is make a clone of him to hunt him down. It's pretty laugh out loud retarded. I mean Jean almost coverts himself to the darkside, but then the clone kills the real one. The main love interest is a prostitute he tried to rape, no joke.
7.Double Team- Dennis Rodman and Jean Claude Van Damme team up to stop terrorists? Really? The weirdest part is they travel all around the world to get them and the final scene takes place in the Colosseum. Where Dennis Rodman and Jean Claude need to take out the main bad guy and his tiger while the sand is covered in mines, awesome. Would you believe me if I told you they take a basketball parachute and Coke Cola machines save their lives from a explosion worthy to take out the WHOLE Colosseum, seriously.
6. No Where to Run- The best Jean Claude Van Damme bad movie. Jean is a criminal with no where to run! He finds refuge immediately at this woman's farm and saves the farm from no shit, "The Man". Also to quote a six year old daughter of said farmer lady "He has a big DICK."(this in reference to Jean) Amazing. Plus enough window kills to make the stock market crash look like a pussy.
5.The Forbidden Zone-The trippiest shit ever. Danny Elfmen's brother made it. It's a musical, and it is not that the songs are bad, actually the weird thing is that they are kind of good, it the visual to go along with it is like a nonsensical mindfuck. It's mainly great to watch Hervé Villechaize (Tattoo from Fantasy Isand) be an king and feel on boobies. Danny Elfmen even makes an appearance as Satan, It is a fun view, maybe the strangest movie ever.
4.Slime City-The concept goes along with the title. There's an apartment complex somewhat similar to the vibe of the one in Eraser Head where people eat slime and become slime people (spooky ghost noises!). Really the selling point is the ten dollar budget, unnatural dialogue, and decapitated talking slime head.
3.Street Trash-To keep up on the slime trend Street Trash takes the whole slimy cake. The amount of fake ooze makes Troll 2 look like My Pretty Pony. The reasoning behind why people combust into neo colored splat is because of an old alcohol in flask called Viper. By the way the movie is not about the Viper, it's about homeless people. By the way it's about a homeless gang. By the way this movie has twenty plots. A great indicator for amazing bad movie is that lead cop doesn't have a badge or drives a cop car. To be honest there is no reason to believe he is a cop at all. Also Vietnam flashback Hobo-King who gets head shotted by fucking air missile!
2.Undefeatable- This movie, oh my god amazing. Nearly a flawless bad movie. No plot really, hilarious reasoning, crazy kung fu kicks preformed by 40 year old woman who apparently is a 20 year old woman, and another cop with intense chest hair and yet again NO proof of that he's a cop 90% of the time. The concept is that there is a murderer named Sting Ray who kills women who vaguely look like his ex-girlfriend. Sting Ray is a kung fu master who is extra pissed his girlfriend who broke up with him because he raped her. So Sting Ray murders women who wear flower dresses as revenge and collect their eyes?(Never established why he takes their eyes.) One of which ends up being the main character's younger sister. Who was going to be a doctor after only four years of college. OH, I forgot to mention that the main character funds her younger sister to go through college by street fighting. Has the best worst final fight of all time as the finale. And everybody gets enrolled by their friends into college, to probably end up becoming bankrupt because of their surprise enrollment with no means of funding it. Knowledge is power!

On the next installment of my blog will be the worst movie of all time and maybe hipster hatred and maybe comic books.