The Worst Movie Ever

I would like to start by saying, I am total bullshit.

The Best Worst Movie of All Time is........................................................................................
Both The Room and Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky!

I already know what you're going to say, "This is a cop-out". That statement would appear to be true except for one simple reason. Those movies are perfectly bad. There is no other film that has the same magical moxie that these two shit bombs of pure majesty have. Let me show you in merely these films titles. The Room? That's seriously the title. What if instead of the The Notebook, it was called "The Book". Or if Citizen Cane was called, "That Guy!". The Room? Really? This movie takes place in mutiple rooms, none more important than the other in anyway. Just so perfectly awful. Riki-Oh, what so bad with that title? The hilarity lies in the subtitle my friend. Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky. Yes, his name is spelled differently twice in one title. They seriously did that.

The Room 1A
Where in the world do I start? Well the movie is done by Wiseau-films, the lead actor is played by Tommy Wisseau, is produce by Tommy Wisseau, is written by Tommy Wisseau,directed by Tommy Wisseau, and Tommy Wisseau-ed by Tommy Wisseau. I mean wow! There's creative control and then there's a dictatorship. (Also this movie was shot both on  film and digitally for no reason at all)
The Storyline is about this guy named Johnny who "work with computers" for a job and has a fiance named Lisa. Lisa for some reason not made appearent other than being heartless loses intrerest in Johnny and cheats on him: with his best friend Mark. I know original right! That is about as clear of a plot there is, inbetween then is utter confusion and some of the best worst delivered lines ever.
Inculding this gem!

Or this one. P.S. Denny is anywhere from 20-34 years old






Pretty fucking amazing. Yeah Denny lives in the apartment next to Johnny and Lisa. Johnny pays for both Denny's pad and his college. To make it weirder Denny was an orphan (maybe) or kid going on hard times Johnny saved. Why weird because they never clarify or ever talk about it ever. Weirder is Denny acts like he's eight years old. He won't stop telling Johnny that he wants to kiss Lisa and one day he hopes she notices him. Plus Denny walks into their apartment uninvited all the time. Oh wait their door is never closed. Yeah everbody comes in without knocking or saying they were coming over in adavanced like a sitcom. It even got to the point where two characters ,with names mentioned maybe once a in the whole movie, came into their house and had sex. It should be noted that the mother in that scene is Lisa's mother. She has breast cancer. She basically said it in passing and wasn't worried about it at all. This movie wasn't written by a human being. Tommy Wisseau is not a human being. If you listen to how he talks and what he thinks other people say and do. You know he's not. On the ending note of this masterpiece of cinema. Tommy eventually finds out Lisa has being cheating on him with Mark and almsot two minutes later blows his brains out. On the same day of his birthday. Lisa, Denny, and Mark  find him there dead on the floor of the bedroom. (How they know he was there or why they came back who knows) They all wonder if he's dead. When he has a bullet in his head. They say "Is he dead?!" Seriously? Best bad movie ever.
Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky 1B
First off it's a kung fu movie, which are pretty campy in general, but you can get some good ones like: Drunken Master, and Enter the Dragon. This is not one of those movies. Riki-Oh takes the bad movies cake in crazy plot lines, let me try to even vaguely say the idea of this madness. Ok, it takes place in a privatised prison in the distant future THE YEAR 2000! "Prisons, like parking lots are big money buisnesses". Riki-Oh is a prisoner in jail for manslaughter because a mob boss shot him with a gun three times, and then Riki-Oh with one punch, punched a fist shaped imprint in his skull. (some how not self defense but whatever) Riki gets picked out the line of prisoners, gets patted down for weapons, then goes through the metal detector to enter the blue and orange prison (like you're at a Boise State University jail). As Riki passes through the detector goes off. The prison guards, which there are two of for the twenty prisoners they're letting, put Riki into this x-ray machine and see there are bullets in his chest. Some guard behind  the information desk who is looking through Riki's files blurts out "Riki has bullets in his chest". The guards let him go and ask them why he's kept the bullets in his chest. Riki says casually "Souvenirs". Then he enters the prison. The movie is that crazy retarded the WHOLE time. Seriously, it only gets crazier. The next thing that is learned is that the prisoners are kept in line by no joke other prisoners! One from each wing. So four prisoners who are allowed to punish other prisoners, just because. Also the narrator who is only in the movie for maybe a minute tells you the warden of the prison is the strongest in kung fu in the whole prison. Why? It's never mentioned. Oh and remeber how this prison is suppose to be so cash cow. They make money on what seems to be laser beams and herion. I guess the market predicts to have a lot of herion junkey jedis running around saying "I am not the deadbeat you're looking for". Riki eventually takes out all of the Gang of Four(the prisoners who get to dicipline prisoners). That is suprisely maybe the least funny part. It is mainly horribly gorey and really morbid. Including how Riki rips of limbs, pulls out eyes, punches off hands, and even punches through the mouth of those opponents. The movies best moments are the flashbacks to life outside of jail like this one.
Really?

REALLY?!!!

Seriously what? Why did she run off! She could have gotten away! Riki's girlfriend is stupid beyond words. Plus come on Ricki let's destroy tombstones and learn karate. WHAT?! Smash one headstone same on you, smash two head stones, why are you smashing fucking headstones?! I just imagine some old woman coming with flowers to put on her dead husband's grave, but she finds nothing but pebbles. Who wrote that? I digress. The final boss fight is maybe the least entertaining until the very end where he is meatgrinded(one word? why not?) to death. All and all amazing. If you watch that movie back to back you lose your mind that's a fact.

So those are the best of the worst see you next time cool kids!

Bad movies and the human response

I own literally a thousand movies and about half of them are horrible. The more odd aspect, is this is completely intentional. I love bad movies. Not like Saturday Night Dance Fever bad or cheesey make you feel good shows that are on ABC Family. Specifically really really REALLY bad action movies and horror movies. What got me into this is a combination of MST3K, my Dad, and my love for bad dialogue. The best worst part about poorly written dialogue is: when they speak it almost seems like the actor has never had a conversation in their life or that they aren't human. Back to why they're entertaining. Most people say "Why would I watch a movie I know to be bad? It's the equivalent of eating food that has mold on it." Fair point. But it isn't like that. Bad food can make you sick and can (if your like me with a sensitive stomach when it comes to gross food) make you puke. Bad movies can be the funniest movie you can watch. It just has to be the right bad movie and you have to make several preparations for guaranteed fun. 1. Never watch them alone! If you watch a bad movie alone you are torturing yourself. (Unless you are cultured in bad movies) Half of the enjoyment of the bad movie is turning to your friend and saying "Can you fucking believe this shit?"
2.Talk through the whole thing. Trust me, you are not missing anything. It's bad for a reason: there are gaping plot holes, pointless scenes, and probably twenty nameless one scene characters that have zero point. So blather about Jimmy's soccer practice and treat it more as a background noise of spontaneous  hilarity.
3.Jean Claude Van Damme is a great choice. Never once have I not seen an absolutely gutbustingly funny Jean Claude Van Damme movie. Time Cop, No Where To Run, Double Team, Street Fighter (Raul Julia sith lightning!), Replicant, Blood Sport. All amazingly awful, in the best way possible.
Horrible dialogue    Hilarious fight scenes 
I mean how can you not love this shit? Mainly because some one out there thinks this is brilliant and his name might be Jean Claude Van Damme.
     Now I bet all ya'll cool cats are now wondering, "Well smarty pants what are your favorite bad movies?" Good question. I love so many steaming piles of awful, but if you twisted my arm I'd give you this list.
10. Street Fighter- I mean did you see that clip? Jean also barges into underground cage match with an anti-air missile vehicle then says and I quote "You're all under arrest". Did I mention he works for the UN? And that Raul fucking Julian has a painting as him as Napoleon, not to mention Bison bucks (currency made in the image of Raul Julia)
9. Arena- It's a Star Wars rip off like non-other. No there is no force copy cat or jedi copy. But it was shooting for a similar vibe, that falls pathetically short. The concept is a human fights in a Arena which is apparently rare and unheard of. Any way this guy named Steve comes around and wins the arena championship. This is more of the journey is better than the concept and the science in the movie is just ridiculous. The best part in this movie is the ex-human champ watches Steve fight in the final and screams out during the fight "HEY STEVE, TAKE IT IN MY BUTT!" I shit you not.
8. Replicant-Because the only man who can beat Jean Claude Van Damme is.....Jean Claude Van Damme? Yes best believe it! The bad guy is Jean Claude Van Damme an evil mass-murderer, and the only way to stop him is make a clone of him to hunt him down. It's pretty laugh out loud retarded. I mean Jean almost coverts himself to the darkside, but then the clone kills the real one. The main love interest is a prostitute he tried to rape, no joke.
7.Double Team- Dennis Rodman and Jean Claude Van Damme team up to stop terrorists? Really? The weirdest part is they travel all around the world to get them and the final scene takes place in the Colosseum. Where Dennis Rodman and Jean Claude need to take out the main bad guy and his tiger while the sand is covered in mines, awesome. Would you believe me if I told you they take a basketball parachute and Coke Cola machines save their lives from a explosion worthy to take out the WHOLE Colosseum, seriously.
6. No Where to Run- The best Jean Claude Van Damme bad movie. Jean is a criminal with no where to run! He finds refuge immediately at this woman's farm and saves the farm from no shit, "The Man". Also to quote a six year old daughter of said farmer lady "He has a big DICK."(this in reference to Jean) Amazing. Plus enough window kills to make the stock market crash look like a pussy.
5.The Forbidden Zone-The trippiest shit ever. Danny Elfmen's brother made it. It's a musical, and it is not that the songs are bad, actually the weird thing is that they are kind of good, it the visual to go along with it is like a nonsensical mindfuck. It's mainly great to watch Hervé Villechaize (Tattoo from Fantasy Isand) be an king and feel on boobies. Danny Elfmen even makes an appearance as Satan, It is a fun view, maybe the strangest movie ever.
4.Slime City-The concept goes along with the title. There's an apartment complex somewhat similar to the vibe of the one in Eraser Head where people eat slime and become slime people (spooky ghost noises!). Really the selling point is the ten dollar budget, unnatural dialogue, and decapitated talking slime head.
3.Street Trash-To keep up on the slime trend Street Trash takes the whole slimy cake. The amount of fake ooze makes Troll 2 look like My Pretty Pony. The reasoning behind why people combust into neo colored splat is because of an old alcohol in flask called Viper. By the way the movie is not about the Viper, it's about homeless people. By the way it's about a homeless gang. By the way this movie has twenty plots. A great indicator for amazing bad movie is that lead cop doesn't have a badge or drives a cop car. To be honest there is no reason to believe he is a cop at all. Also Vietnam flashback Hobo-King who gets head shotted by fucking air missile!
2.Undefeatable- This movie, oh my god amazing. Nearly a flawless bad movie. No plot really, hilarious reasoning, crazy kung fu kicks preformed by 40 year old woman who apparently is a 20 year old woman, and another cop with intense chest hair and yet again NO proof of that he's a cop 90% of the time. The concept is that there is a murderer named Sting Ray who kills women who vaguely look like his ex-girlfriend. Sting Ray is a kung fu master who is extra pissed his girlfriend who broke up with him because he raped her. So Sting Ray murders women who wear flower dresses as revenge and collect their eyes?(Never established why he takes their eyes.) One of which ends up being the main character's younger sister. Who was going to be a doctor after only four years of college. OH, I forgot to mention that the main character funds her younger sister to go through college by street fighting. Has the best worst final fight of all time as the finale. And everybody gets enrolled by their friends into college, to probably end up becoming bankrupt because of their surprise enrollment with no means of funding it. Knowledge is power!

On the next installment of my blog will be the worst movie of all time and maybe hipster hatred and maybe comic books.
   

Hipsters ruin everything?

Let me be the first to say, hipsters suck. Now my feelings are known let me elaborate why. Look I am a very passionate and hate-filled person in general so me not liking something is nothing special. However I am impressed with the amount of the hate pie that hipsters take of my hatred. Back to why: first off they ruin all that was cool but now isn't, because of them doing it "ironically". Lumberjack shirts and old man sweaters, what the fuck I liked those first motherfuckers! I don't wear lumberjack shirts to be cool ironically, I look good in them and I feel like a lumber jack. (Side note: I would be Paul Bunyan in a second if I could. I mean I get an axe and a giant Ox? Sign me up dude!) Then they wear old man or Bill Cosby sweaters, to be cool by being lame. Really? I wear that shit because I am cold, skinny people need layers man. When those blonde hipster girls smoke menthols outside wearing their hair in that hand bag of hat that sits at the back of their heads like a lava sucking their fucking brain out in a sweater that reeks of dead guy that barely covers their naval to display their chunky legs in black tights, flattering. Also the square frame glasses, Buddy Holly wore those because he didn't have a choice, not because he thought it was cool. JESUS. The worst are those guys with the kid's super hero back packs that was definately 30 dollars and their old man sweaters over their lumberjack shirts with grey skinny jeans hot boxing a cigarette with some other duplicant loser blathering on about how cool Tool and Sonic Youth are, fuck you, Daydream Nation isn't about you.
     Back to why they ruin things. I like old school cartoons: Power Rangers (Green Ranger!), TMNT, The Amazing Spiderman (1960's), Spiderman(1990's),  Roco's Modern Life, Ren and Stimpy, Inside-Out-Boy, and many more. I like to wear shirts that portray my love, not to wear ironically as a statement. The most WOW he's a douchebag loser moment was when I saw this guy wear a Beatles shirt and a trucker hat the said "Suckz" (Yes with a fucking Z!) with an arrow pointing down to his shirt. Mind you I am not crazy about the Beatles, but the amount of retard thought and "how cool I am logic" that went into it made me want to vomit!

    That's all for now, be back later with more thought on this topic. To quote a great man "How can number 1 be number 2?" Just remember I am number 1.